Parents always want to do the best for their child: feed, clothe and learn. Exceptions seem rare and mostly concern disadvantaged families. Usually, society condemns such parents or treats them with regret. Most people seem to think so. In fact, the well-being of the family is very often not fixed only on the topic of material prosperity, and quite decent families turn out to be hell for children. “Rambler” found out why this happens.
Adults think that other traumatized adults are weaklings who cannot withstand life’s difficulties. But no one even thinks about the fact that the roots of all problems in the present grow from childhood. And to injure a child is really simple.
A small child is always defenseless if an adult does not give him not so much love as stability and a sense of security. We think that the children will be affected by divorce, but we ignore quarrels at home. It seems to us that beautiful and clean clothes are important, but the lack of attention and involvement in the life of the child is not particularly interested in anyone.
Working parents spend with their child a couple of hours in the morning, a few hours in the evening. At this time, it is important to have time to discuss the issues of the device of life, school, or kindergarten. At the same time, the parent does not think at all about what is behind the soul of this little man. Over time, the parental function is reduced to the function of the head of the farm-controller – a creature with which there is simply nothing to share. How can I avoid this?
Take care of yourself
Do not shift your emotions to the child, he is not able to answer for them. If the day was bad, and the husband does not meet expectations – do not demonstrate your mood to the child. He just has the ability to accept and realize your emotions. Most children easily read the negative, but due to lack of experience and knowledge, they can not correctly interpret it. Children’s perception is quite primitive and selfish, a small person immediately thinks that it is the cause of the parent’s disorder. If you don’t have a resource to communicate with your child, ask for help. Not always it is the help of relatives or paid help, call a friend or neighbor. Take care of yourself and then you can take care of someone else.
Parents from an early age use education methods of blackmail and deception. Today I am friends with you, and tomorrow I give you a cold. Today we are friends, and tomorrow is not very much, because there was a quarrel between parents. However, this is the first brick you put in the wall of codependency. Speak honestly and directly, including about your frustration or sadness because of the child’s behavior. Explain the consequences. And if you promise something, do not think that the child will forget it. It is worth telling children the truth even about the misfortune that befell the family. Avoiding natural living, there is a chance that the injury will get stuck in the child’s soul.
Let your child be a child
On the street, parents often demand exemplary behavior from their children. It is forbidden to run so that he does not fall. It is forbidden to draw, so as not to get dirty. It is forbidden to shout, sing songs and say stupid things. But a child is a set of screams and stupid things. A child cannot be an adult, but he can become passive, and then splash out all the accumulated energy on you. And this can happen in a year or in five years. A child who has been forbidden by everything may be afraid to make a mistake, have difficulty making decisions. He may be confused about himself because he didn’t have a field to study himself.
Speak and explain
Being a parent is hard and you shouldn’t strive to be the perfect parent. Be what you can be, but always clarify difficult situations. Try to explain a complex emotion, give a field for reaction. And be sure to apologize if you were wrong. Even if you are an adult, this does not mean that all your actions are infallible. That doesn’t mean they don’t bring pain. And this does not mean that you are deprived of responsibility for your actions. Yes, your home is your rule. But if your home is your home, then where is the children’s home?
Many parents think that trauma is when a child is beaten. However, many grown children say that “it would be better if my mother beat me with her hands than with words.” Unfortunately, sometimes physical pain is easier to realize than emotional pain. The beating of children is condemned by society, so it becomes less (although the statistics of domestic violence are still appalling). At the same time, no one knows how to communicate with children in an environmentally friendly way and how to raise not a worthy member of society, but a happy person. Start with politeness, kind words, support, and maybe everything will work out.