Disputes, who now take out the garbage, “wise advice” of relatives, and infantilism can spoil the life of a young couple.
The birth of a child almost always becomes a litmus test of relations in a couple and shows how smoothly new parents are able to interact, how they cope with difficulties that cannot be avoided. Simply put, the replenishment in the family perfectly demonstrates the main thing – together a couple or still everyone on their own. Often there are situations when one devotes himself entirely to the care of the child, and the other withdraws himself, hiding behind work, fatigue and other things. Let’s analyze the most common problems that – if you do not take action in time – can lead to divorce.
It is especially difficult for those who became parents only by entering into life together, for example, in the first or second year of marriage. The so-called crisis of the first year, when, in fact, the main lapping occurs, is definitely aggravated by the birth of a baby. Since the birth of a child itself is a stressful situation for young parents who are not yet very ready for joint life. Therefore, problems and misunderstandings begin to multiply exponentially.
Change of status – from lovers to parents
The couple no longer discusses which movie to watch in the evening or how to hold it at all. In the first place comes the baby and his needs, and everything else is pushed to the second and third plan. Naturally, less time is spent on yourself and on your partner, in connection with which claims begin to arise in the lack of attention, in a decrease in interest in intimate life, etc. People from lovers turn into parents – not everyone is ready for this.
Someone perceives the situation calmly and understands that these are temporary difficulties that need to be overcome together. And someone suffers from a lack of attention and begins to demand it. To aggravate the situation, especially if a person is prone to infantilism and, in fact, is not ready for serious changes in life. He may well draw conclusions for himself that family life has not been set, he was deceived in some ways, promised to love forever, and pay more attention to the child. And instead of solving the problem by discussing and taking some joint measures, completely different tactics of influence are used, starting with manipulation, ending with infidelity – the favorite way to solve all issues in marriage.
Non-distribution of duties – a woman is responsible for everything
Another point of disagreement is the distribution of responsibilities in a young family. The financial issue can also be especially acute. If earlier the couple built a general budget on the principle of 50/50 and managing their income independently, and household issues were mainly on the woman, now the previous agreements should ideally be revised. Because for some time a woman is unlikely to be able to contribute her 50% to the total budget for obvious reasons, and she now desperately needs help with the household.
The lack of interaction, the inability to negotiate and discuss acute issues in this situation can serve a bad service. The worst option is to keep all previous agreements without any changes. Moreover, very often all responsibility for the child lies with the mother, who is forced to work on maternity leave or borrow money from friends and her own parents “until better times”.” There is in such stories all the same unpreparedness for life together, which is aggravated with the advent of the child.
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Third Party Help – Mom’s Advice
Since in our country it is not customary to trust young children to strangers, grandmothers are usually involved in this. And the main problem here, of course, is not that a family with a child needs help – this is an objective reality, but the fact that attracting grandmothers to upbringing is almost always a conflict of interest, a ground for disagreements and manipulations within the family.
It’s either a comparison whose mom helped more/less/doesn’t help at all. Or a grandmother who takes on too much and takes on the upbringing of not only a newborn but also a daughter with a son-in-law/daughter-in-law.
There are no simple stories of relationships when you ask for a free service, for which you will have to pay with your nerves in one way or another. And the reason for such situations is almost always the same – unpreparedness for the appearance of a child, the desire to continue to live as before and find someone to whom you can shift responsibility.
The situation may be exacerbated by the fact that the infantile spouse goes completely to work / personal rest while the woman is at home with the child. Not knowing how to build a relationship on mutual agreements with her husband, it is easier for a woman to ask for help in household chores from her mother, and we can say that a new cell is created in the family: mother + child + grandmother. The gap between the spouses, in this case, will grow with a vengeance because the grandmother will definitely help to bring even more discord.
And now what to do about it?
Whatever problems you face in connection with the appearance of a child, you should understand the main thing:
The presence of problems, in this case, is normal. The birth of a baby is a crisis situation for the relationship, and crises must be overcome together. Moreover, it is necessary to learn to adapt to the new conditions of life with a child. And this means that you need to be more lenient about your soul mate and assume that we are all imperfect. And, of course, do not forget about the most important thing that connects you – about love.
All problems are discussed and solved. To do this, it is enough to sit down at the negotiating table or simply indicate the presence of controversial issues, ask for help, say that you are tired, etc. Talk, discuss, do not hush up what you care about. Revising the old rules of marriage is also normal because life changes and you change with it. Agree on any little things, do not forget that men do not know how to read minds, and women need help and support especially at this moment.
Don’t ignore the problems. The worst thing that can happen is to start acting not on a jointly developed strategy, but on your own plan. That is as if you are not a family that has everything in common, but as if you are separate, the husband separately, and the baby is a kind of thread connecting you. To think that the child is a kind of unifying factor is peculiar to young parents who greatly overestimate this moment. And the danger here is that no matter what problems in this marriage arise in the future, they will be solved by each party separately. And eventually, when the child grows up and wants to leave the parental home, divorce will be inevitable, although it can happen much earlier.